CL Brazilian Chickens

After a string of completely unsuccessful dates meeting men the old fashioned way, I opted for the accelerated version. I posted an add on CL. I should mention I am above average attractive, and I POSTED ON CL. My post was almost more of a rant to my bad previous dates. It sited things like, doesn’t live with parents, has a job, is okay with physical activities, doesn’t deal drugs, and can afford to go on a date without complaining about being broke. In the short 1 hour time period before I was flagged and removed, (likely by a little troll that lives in his parents basement, and lives on Ramien) I could provide several entertaining stories.
However the best went as follows- Guy and I email, then text, then talk over the course of several weeks. Our first phone call started with him calling from his house phone (who has those?) and he pretended to be trying to order a prostitute. I guess that’s a thing with being hot, and posting on CL?? After we got through that very confusing moment we proceeded to have a great convo for over 2 hours! After awhile we decided to meet. After several failed attempts we finally find we can catch a spur of the moment meet, and he suggests his house. Believe it or not, this part went fine! We watched an old school movie, he taught me how to shoot a gun (okay slightly eccentric, and odd), and he showed me his craft projects and chickens. At this point, I’m pretty much conceded to the fact that while he is entertaining this is never going to work. We go to the bar to shoot some pool. He then shows me one arm is extreamly underdeveloped compared to the other. This kills a one night stand as well since, for that I’m picky. Then he starts getting allot of phone calls. He does his best to ignore them but finally concedes and takes the call. He gets of the phone and immediately starts asking me whats visible in my car, and if it’s obviously female. He lets me know that his “ex” is asking questions since she lives a block away. I ask if she would do anything to my car. He say’s “Well…. She’s Brazilian so theres no telling” I then find out there entire relationship history. They broke up 2 weeks ago, we’ve been talking on and off for three. Meanwhile I’m really just worrying over my poor defenseless car. On a good note, my car remained undamaged. Needless to say I ignored him from that point on.

The Crazy Cat Man Date

“Let me start by saying that I was really only looking to hook up. I had just been dumped by my boyfriend and am not the bar type and so I figured that online dating would be a reasonable option. I used a local personals service (“_city_dating.com”) and had been talking to a guy for about two days before agreeing to meet him. “

Mike” had told me that he used online dating because he was suffering from depression and was on medication that made it hard for him to perform. He decided that it was easier to meet girls this way than to meet up in person and then have to explain when they started getting physical. He went on to tell me though that he “had a good feeling” about me and that I was “exciting” to him despite his medication. Okay. I was cool with this and decided to go over to his place to see if we really did have chemistry since we both seemed to be looking for the same thing (a hook-up).

When I got there, he was waiting for me in the living room and we started making out. I could tell that he was getting a little aroused but was having some issues and so when he said that he knew what would “help” and that it was in his bedroom…I willingly followed. Walking in I couldn’t help but notice his bed…surrounded by cat condos. Lots of cat condos. (Some structured to be as tall as I was). I knew he had cats but I assumed he meant one or two and that they were just hiding when I came over. Nope. He had nine (or ten?). Which all came out from under the bed when we sat on it. And all went to their perches on the cat condos to watch us (after rubbing against him and being petted quickly). He then proceeded to start making out with me again and was…well…massively aroused at this point. I was massively creeped out. I like cats (I have two myself)…but having them watch me pee freaks me out much less watching me have sex.

I excused myself openly admitting that this was too weird for me and left. He followed me and begged me to give him another chance and “help” him. I left. For the next few days he messaged me asking me to come over and saying that he had “made progress” with me. I blocked him after receiving a photo of him nude, on the bed, surrounded by the cats.”

Ebola is No Joke

Thomas asked me out to dinner at my favorite vegetarian restaurant, so I was already in a good mood when the date started. Our food arrived and we talked about this and that. All of a sudden, I covered my mouth and sneezed violently. I expected a “Bless you” out of Thomas, but instead he asked, “You’re not sick, are you?” I joked, “Yeah. I have ebola.” He gave me a terrified look, then jolted up from his seat, said, “I gotta go,” and then left me there with his unfinished food. I thought about texting him, “I was kidding, idiot,” but figured that that should’ve been obvious. He didn’t return and I was stuck paying for both of our meals. It was okay, as I ended up picking at what he had ordered. Still, what a humorless jerk.

The Pick Up

Before our date, Maria emailed to say that a friend of hers was in town and that she wanted to say a quick hello to him while she and I were out together. “Maybe the three of us can all hang out for a little while,” were her exact words. It was an unusual request but she made it clear that this was the only time she’d be able to see him. She also seemed really apologetic about it. I didn’t see the harm in hanging out with this guy for a little while, especially if it would make Maria happy and make me come across as non-threatened. For the first part of our date, I took her to a neighborhood bakery with amazing treats. We had a great time and we laughed and she even touched me every now and again when we spoke, which I guessed meant that she felt comfortable with me. So I was feeling pretty good. Then her phone rang and she picked up. It was apparently her friend. She said, “He’s on his way. Let’s go outside and meet him.” I followed her out and we talked for a bit longer. Then the guy pulled up and rolled down his window. He said to her, “You ready?” She said, “Yeah!” then jumped into the passenger side of his car and they sped off without a word to me. So I was feeling pretty less-than-good. Never heard from her again.

An Explosive Episode

I was at a local art gallery with Charlotte when she excused herself to go to the bathroom. She was gone for a while and when she returned, she was pale and shaking. She said, “We have to go. Now.” She seemed really out-of-sorts. I asked, “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” I honestly thought she was ill. She said, “I had an ‘episode’ in the bathroom. We have to go.” “An episode?” “An explosive episode. There. Happy now? Can we go?” “Y-yes. Yeah.” She half-ran ahead of me, out of the place. We had taken separate cars and she booked it to hers and drove off. What was strange was that I wasn’t sure why she had told me that we needed to go. She had basically just led me to the parking lot and drove off on her own. Therefore, as I wasn’t done inside the gallery, I went back in to finish browsing. I half-expected some disturbance among the gallery staff regarding the discovery of an “explosive” event inside the bathroom. But it never happened and I never heard from Charlotte again.