Kermit

A couple of years ago, I joined jdate; set up a profile, added a couple of pictures, noted a couple of my interests – as you’re meant to do. I started chatting to a couple of guys on there who seemed interesting and then I was messaged by ‘David’. David seemed sweet – reasonably witty, decent banter, liked the West Wing – what wasn’t to like?! We exchanged numbers and agreed to meet the following week at a pub down the road. Success! My first Jdate! I should at this point mention that, although I don’t really remember exactly how the conversation turned to this, I must have mentioned that I like the Muppets. And I do like the Muppets – again, what’s not to like?! But it was a throwaway comment and I obviously did not think much of it at the time. How wrong I was. We met the following week; I was full of excitement, he brought along a duffel bag…… and there was no spark at all. The witty banter I had come to expect from him was just not there – he was nervous, fidgety, and told me, once I’d ordered a glass of wine, that if I died on the road that night because of my drinking that he would not feel guilty. Stuck for something non awkward to say, I asked him why he’d brought along a giant duffel bag. His eyes lit up and mumbled something about how he’d hoped to save them for later in the evening to ‘spice it up’ but since I’d asked……he unzipped the bag and from within, pulled out – Kermit. A full sized, proper, hardcore Kermit the muppet. He put Kermit on his knee and started to do what I believe was his Kermit impression. Believe me, it was not Kermit, but someone sounding exceptionally constipated. I like to think of myself as a reasonably nice, polite, North West London Jewish Girl, but even I couldn’t see a way out of this. He told me he had 40 other muppets at home and that since I’d told him that I also loved the Muppets (?!) we were obviously meant to be. Obviously….we were not. I made my excuses, downed my glass, and headed for the door. He still messages me to this day and if I ever see him around (unfortunately, the Jewish social scene in London is smaller than I would like), I tell him I have a boyfriend.

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